I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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