I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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