Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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