Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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