She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
