I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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