don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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