Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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