he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
