Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
