I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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