Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
