I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
