why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
