Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
