guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
