Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
