mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
