Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
