did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
4 words: hood of his car
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
