Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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