I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
