totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
pop tarts are not kleenex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
