the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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