so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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