We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
