3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
