that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
