dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
