I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
