Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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