if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
