Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
