did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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