I think I won the penis lottery.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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