I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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