Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
