I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
