What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
