Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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