I didn't shave. On purpose
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
