if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
