this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
