in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
