I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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