im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
