The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
