if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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