lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
