just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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