The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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