cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
bring money and cleavage
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
