I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
