I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
