Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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