so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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