I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
