Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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