pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
